IFinferno

Coming clean

2007-02-01T19:47:00.000-05:00

I've come to realize I can't keep this up. I think having a blog, you have certain responsibilities. I can't meet them. I have the boy, the husband, one full time job and a part-time job (my own consulting business) I'm trying to make into a full time job. I feel guilty that I don't update, so I wanted to come clean. I probably won't update.

I'm still interested in what's going on with all of you, so expect to see me in your comments. But for now, I'm admitting to the hiatus I've been taking.

Thank you all for sharing pieces of yourself with me. It's cliche, but true - it has meant more to me than I can say. I feel honored to know you.

sigh

2006-11-27T02:20:00.000-05:00

Ha. So I thought, sure, I'll blog more often. Really, Elle, get a grip. So not going to happen. Oh well. I have the best of intentions. It's certainly not for lack of drama. Related to the last post - now I have a milk blister on my nipple. And Jack's teething - screams bloody murder when he nurses - sometimes. I feel like g0d is laughing at me - "You foolish woman! You dare to nurse! I will break your will to live!" But I trudge on. Now that Jack's 6 months (!?!*&%!!!) we're going to try big boy foods and see where that takes us. I'm hoping to have him and me weaned by the end of January. {and just to make it perfectly clear, I do supplement with formula - I"m not that crazy}

Ladies, can we talk frankly here? For those of you who had vaginal births, are you having problems with sex? I am. There's nothing going on down there - like I've been denatured. It's a major bummer, to put it mildly. Ok, not nothing, but very little sensation. Like James could work out all night for naught. It's so depressing. I wonder if it has anything to do with my tearing at Jack's birth, or the fact that - apparently - I lost pieces of my inner labia. That's what they tell me. All this is incredibly upsetting - the fact that I may never have an orgasm again and that our sex life - the very little there is - is forever changed for the worse. At least it's not super painful anymore. But really, this is shitty payback for giving birth. Wasn't all that enough?

And the stretchy vagina - does anyone else have that? Where you are walking down the street and it makes a loud, suction noise? It's fecking horrifying.

*sigh*

The bummer of breastfeeding

2006-10-01T22:27:00.000-04:00

That last post was pretty scandalous - I shouldn't just drop off a picture and walk away. I feel like that's cheating. I keep thinking "egads, I'm so busy right now", but if Jenn can manage to pen meaningful entries, I can at least try.

Right now, my problems are with breastfeeding. Actually, it's been like this since Jack was probably 1 month. As I have Lyme, the recommended protocol is to stay on antibiotics while breastfeeding as a protective measure. I say "stay" b/c I have been on amoxicillan for my entire pregnancy. That makes two years total, including treatment to make myself well enough to get pregnant. I know all about how bad long-term ABX is, but, well, I'm not going to get into the complications of Lyme disease. You can g00gle it and earn your MD as you read.

So, Jack has not been a great nurser - he's always been fussy and disagreeable. Some days I would try to force him (as nicely as I could) to nurse. I'm thinking - why is he being such a pill?! This would be a source of endless frustration. Nursing was already half my day, now a baby that puts up a fight makes it infinitely protracted. It got so bad in August, we went back to the lactation consultant. She diagnosed him with thrush (yeast infection in his mouth). I had thought the white veneer on his tongue was milk. (because I'm just a dope) And this thrush gave him reflux. "Worst mother of the year" doesn't begin to cover how badly I felt. I had thought he was putting up a fight because he was cranky, but he was in pain when he'd nurse from the acid reflux. No wonder! Looking back, I realized our entire nursing relationship had been defined by thrush and reflux. (btw, he is not the "scrawny screamer" mentioned in the website - he's gaining well b/c I realized if I pumped and put it in a bottle, he'd drink it. We also use formula - I'm not a purist).

As I say, it was diagnosed in August. It's now October and we're still dealing with it. He and I are both taking acidophilous, which I think is keeping the problem from getting worse, but not rectifying (I am still on the antibiotics, after all, and have to be while I nurse. The catch-22). He's been on nystatin, which didn't help at all. Gentian violet worked amazingly and immediately, but in the short term only. For reasons unknown to me, it can't be used for more than 3 consecutive days without a significant break in between. And all his ineffectual nursing means that I have developed clogged ducts. How have humans survived thousands of years by nursing? It's so complicated! I guess they didn't have amoxicillan.

So, tonight, despite the mess it makes (blue lips and boobs), we are back to the gentian violet. I'm also going to cut WAY back on my sugar intake and hope that this finally does the trick.

And as everyone must think I'm an uber-grouch, I'd like to say that I do now like nursing. Some days it's hard, (like Saturday morning after a night of boozing and little sleep) since I'm the only source of food, but I enjoy the breaks. I'm one of those people who works like a maniac (I stay up some nights til 3am to get things done while he sleeps) and having this little person saying "take time out to care for me" is a gift. It was something I resisted for a while and found hard to adjust to, but now that feeding times have become more manageable, and even though we still have our difficulties, I really enjoy it. It's our special time together. I'll miss it when it's over.

I'm a terrible blogger

2006-09-16T20:46:00.000-04:00

but you all already knew that. I read Thalia's comment from some weeks ago and agreed with it whole heartedly. I really did. But there have been things about being a new mom that I couldn't bear to state out loud.

For weeks I thought "who is this baby and why won't his parents come take him out of my house!" It was an amazing shock that breastfeeding, at least for the first 6 weeks or so, is a 24-7 job. Non-stop milk machine. That made me angry. I felt really frustrated and smothered.

Then I read other blogs where their natural births were described in beautiful, lovely terms. Where strangers would read the entries and weep over the poetry of new life. Not here. Again, bad bad mother. I only remember great pain and trauma. There were no Disney moments in it for me. No feelings of strength or waves or overwhelming joy. Just "thank f*&%ing g*d that's over".

And wow does he take up an amazing amount of my time. I know, I've heard it before that babies are a lot of work. And it's true! So for a long time I felt resentful towards not having any me time. No time for me to pursue my dreams.

I had days where I cried as I rocked him in his car seat while he wailed. I couldn't pick him up, I felt exhausted from touching him all day.

I've found motherhood to be really hard. Not bad, but hard. It's not apple pie and stardust. It's spit up, poop and exhaustion. And I thought it was me. I'm a bad person. I wanted a baby for ages, and now my perfect, healthy little boy is here and I'm a horrible mother. But reading Pru's entry, bolstered my nerve to come out of the closet.

About a month ago, I felt like I was starting to get the hang of it. And now, finally NOW I feel like he is mine. Or of me, not really mine. He is himself, I was just a vehicle for him to be here. And he is here.

Now I miss him when he naps. I think about him when I'm at work. I hover over his crib to smell him at night. I cry over the fact that soon he'll have teeth. I'm over the moon when I make him laugh.

I don't feel so much like a mother, but I do feel like his mother. I'm defining it as we go along.

Monkey Man

2006-06-01T21:43:00.000-04:00

Our little Monkey is a boy! Jack was born May 26 at 6.15am, weighing 7lbs 1oz (NOT a small baby, hmpf) and 19 3/4" He's been with us for not even a week yet, and it already feels like he's been in my life forever.

The labor, however, was another story entirely. Twenty-five hours, twelve of which were utter hell. Honestly, I don't know how women do it (even though I just did). Pre-labor started at midnight Wed/Thurs with lower back cramps like a period. By 4.30am I woke James up - contractions had started. We spent early labor at home. Our doula came about 9am and was invaluable in offering pain management ideas and in talking about what was ahead. By the time we got to the hospital it was 4.30 pm and I was 3cm dilated. I was pretty disappointed that I hadn't gotten further along in twelve hours.

By 10pm I was only at 5 and deliriously exhausted. The contractions for these 2 cms were unbearably awful. I had been framing the whole ordeal like a marathon, thinking I could cope with the pain. But it wasn't anything like a marathon, unless there are marathons where at every mile a body part is sawed off and no pain medicine is administered. I have never felt so out of control in my life. I'm fairly certain I could have been declared legally insane.

In addition, I was getting dehydrated. I had been vomiting everything I took in and was hysterical sobbing that I couldn't do it - I was so tired. I was given stadol, which helped my outlook on the world enormously. It allowed me to sleep for about an hour and made the contractions manageable. I had the weirdest dreams though - like Alice in Wonderland kind of stuff. There was a bald man with a green suit who looked like Fred from I Love Lucy. We were in a concert hall filled with empty chairs. When I had a contraction, one of the chairs would turn a color. I asked what it was - "oh that's a contraction, but it's not yours". The drug, it was good.

The next few hours passed with me in good spirits - which is not right for someone in active labor. At 2.30am we found out why - I was still at 5cm - stalled. The midwife decided to break my waters and get things moving. That's when the fun really began. The pain was beyond anything could be put into words. It was like being on a ride that had gone wildly out of control. At this point, I was screaming for help, that I was going to die and couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to go home and threw myself on the floor, trying to tear the IV out of my arm. I started begging for an epidural. My husband and doula were telling me "you can do it" but I started screaming "I don't WANT to do it!" The pain was terrorizing - when I wasn't going through it, I knew it would come back just as bad in seconds.

And fuck Lamaze. That was a COMPLETE waste of time and money. The little "tricks" I was taught to deal with the "rushes" HA laughable. I wanted out.

So an hour and 40 minutes after my bag of waters was broken, the midwife and nurse came in with a wheelchair to bring me upstairs to labor and delivery for sweet release. Unfortunately, the pain had changed. When I saw them I yelled "I have to PUSH!". They checked my cervix - I was at 10cm. Dilated FIVE cm in less than 2 hours. Yeah, the very definition of pain, right there.

So now I'm pushing on contractions. The medical staff checks my abdomen for contractions and the baby's heartbeat, husband administers cold compresses and I keep yelling for them all to stop touching me. I had read that pushing is a relief. LIE! It's different, but extraordinarily painful just the same. They ask if I want a mirror. No. Pictures of the delivery? No. What do I want? To go home, for the horror to be over. The baby? Who cares!

One hour to crown and then...another hour to get the head out. James and I were instructed to place our hands under the armpits and pull him out. So now my gray-blue little baby boy is lying on top of me, my husband is sobbing and kissing me and I am just numb. I don't care about anything but that the pain is over. I had no reaction to having him there. I had dreamed about the day I would hold my Monkey in my arms, and my reaction was empty, cold, indifferent. Ah, the beauty of natural childbirth.

I wanted to be truthful here about what my experience was like for me, because it took me days to get over the betrayal I felt. I felt as though I had been lied to by birth mothers. My birth experience was horrible, the pain - which "legitimized" the process - was so awful that it left me devoid of all feeling for my newborn. I still feel guilty about it - I don't know that I'll ever get over feeling that way. I've since spoken to other women who feel guilty about their own experiences - for having an epidural and experiencing little pain, for having a c-section. It's so sad that we are burdened with this emotional baggage after having to bear the physical ordeal of our lives.

But it's over. And he's here. My heart has been torn wide open.

Ah, Free at Last!

2006-05-18T13:53:00.000-04:00

It's official! Today is my first day of maternity leave. And how do I feel? Crappy, I have a cold - fever (slight), sinus pressure, stuffy nose, sore throat. How this is possible is beyond me. But here I am, about to give birth, and I'm sick! And I have a report to finish up, so really, it's not like I'm not working.

As for the birthing part, I had another pelvic exam yesterday. Am 1cm dilated. Have been feeling pms-y, SO tired, and just out of sorts. And as of this past weekend, have had pain in my left groin. I thought I pulled something, but no, those are contractions apparently. So, it has begun. My midwives tell me I could go any minute - the baby is ("whoa!" "wow!", etc) WAY down there, apparently. I think Monkey wants to come out.

I hope I make it to Saturday. James and I have dinner plans, it would be our last hoorah. And I have an amazing sounding pedicure appt prior. I need a little tlc at this point.

Wish me luck!

How Did I Get HERE???

2006-05-06T23:13:00.000-04:00

I hate when you all don't post regularly. HATE IT! Cuz don't you know I need my curiosity sated? I want to know you are ok, that things are working out. And here I am - oh, it's evil. I can't believe the last time I posted was in February! That seems impossible. That three months have gone by. That this Tuesday I'll be THIRTY-EIGHT weeks. I am not making this up. I am full term and so could go any day. wow.

And the "going" - well, I think I am finally wrapping my brain around that. For quite a while I have been slightly terrified about the prospect of giving birth. That said, I want as natural a birth as possible. I have midwives. We are using a birthing center. I read books, which sort of helped. The Lamaze classes were useless. We just found a labor doula (I knew she was the one when she had to find where she'd written down her cell phone number, b/c she hardly uses it - ah a kindred spirit). It doesn't seem that those two disparate pieces go together, I know, the fear and the naturalness. But I feel really strongly that I want as little intervention as possible, in spite of the terror.

I remember running the marathon, and how impossibly awful that was - how I sobbed at mile 19, but managed to keep going. I didn't stop once. It wasn't pretty, bleeding nipples, impossibly sore legs, chafed thighs. And how much it helped that James managed to cheer me on a mile 5 AND mile 24. Mile 24 I was desparate, and there he was. I think this will be similar, at least, that is how I am framing it for myself.

Other updates - had a pelvic exam on Monday - I'm effacing! I was rather shocked to hear that my cervix was softening up - I thought I would somehow know I was transitioning. But then again, the fact that I have had Braxton Hicks contractions was a total surprise to me - I don't feel anything. The baby is head down, way down apparently, and weighs 6 lbs 13oz. And the amniotic fluid is the "perfect" amount. So, Monkey's looking good. I still don't feel super pregnant. Like when I tell people, oh, I'm due the 23rd, as in THIS month, I'm lying. I've only gained 23 lbs and the baby is way in there, so my belly makes me look like a fraud. (Note to world: DON'T tell a pregnant woman her baby is tiny. It will result in a foot up your ass).

Something else that puzzles me - the need for random strangers to comment on my pregnancy. Like the shout out - "baby girl, 9lbs, 3 oz" or "it's a BOY, it's a BOY". Um, I live in a city with 8 million other people, I can't be the first pregnant New Yorker. So why do people treat me so weirdly? It creeps me out so much that I run from other pregnant women - I don't want to be part of any cult. It also freaks me out to see women wheeling strollers around. I don't know why. Something about soon joining their ranks, it's disturbing. Maybe because despite the fact that the baby moves around all the time, that things look good, it is still so abstract. I have no idea how my life will change - I just know that it changes dramatically and permanently. And I can't wait for that, but there is something about the private part of the three of us vs. the public face of the three of us. I can't explain it. I ate too many brownies and my mind is racing.

I'll write more soon, I swear. Thanks, everyone, for checking up on me :-)

Pregnant Belly in Puerto Rico

2006-02-18T00:30:00.000-05:00

Finally! At 25 weeks pregnant, I felt like I was pregnant to the outside world. James and I went to Puerto Rico for some fun in the sun last week. Given the lack of winter clothing, people on the street would smile or comment. Of course, one woman asked me if I was 4 months. FOUR! Anyway, the first day was rather freaky, with people staring at my belly. I soon got used to it though, and it was fine. I felt pregnant, people were treating me like I was pregnant. Weird.

I know it's blurry, but this is the best belly shot of me I could find (I forgot to pack my strapless bra, hence the shopping...)

Feeling better

2006-01-19T22:49:00.000-05:00

James and I spent a lot of time this past weekend chewing on all this information - again - and, we are feeling much better. We came back to the same place, we think they are full of it, we don't want amnio, we think the baby is perfect. It was a really hard place to be, but I feel really good with our decision. The thing with the amnio, it's such a slippery slope. People say that they are happy they did amnio usually if they have a positive outcome. but what if something is wrong? Then you spend the next 5 months miserable. I really doubt it helps to "know in advance", at least, it wouldn't help us.

We also decided that this is what we signed up for as parents. There will be lots of unknowns through the life of this child, and none will have tests that will tell us definitively what the outcome will be. James said peace of mind comes from within, not from amnios. I know, it makes him sound like a Zen master, but believe me, he's not. This idea really resonated with both of us, and it feels like the right decision for us.

For days it was oppressive to think about, it made me miserable. But truly, I feel like I "dealt" with it and now it's over. Now I can enjoy the movements of my little monkey and think it's all going to be ok.

I did have weird dreams last week, most involving someone with Down's syndrome. The last one I had Monday night was with my baby - a boy born with a dark mop of hair (from me) and big blue eyes (from James) and...chromosomally perfect. James thinks it was the baby saying hello (although he thinks it's a girl). It was very comforting.

So, I am back to enjoying being pregnant. It just came over me, week 19, that the worry lifted and I started believing I would actually get a baby out of it. It's a weird feeling, but wonderful.

I feel like Pigpen

2006-01-12T12:05:00.000-05:00

You know that character from the Peanuts cartoons? He is very dirty and has a black cloud following him? That's what I feel like (except I shower pretty regularly).

December 30th we had our anatomy scan sonogram. Everything was perfect - our little monkey already weighed 12 oz (at 19 wk, 3 days) and had all it's bits and bobs. One highly disturbing and totally unexpected thing was the finding of intracardiac echogenic foci in the left ventricle (aka a white blob - the heart's anatomy was perfect). Apparently about 10 years ago these were thought to be correlated with chromosomal abnormalities - like downs, and so amnio was strongly recommended. These days, only half the literature thinks its correlated to anything, calling it a "soft marker". Still, they had to tell us it was there - ONLY b/c I am 35. If I were 34, they would never have pointed it out.

So, instead of a pleasant morning watching our little monkey thrash about (what an active little bugger!!), we spent 5 hours in the hospital talking to doctors and genetic counselors and crying (well, that was me). It's crazy, b/c our integrated screening calculated risk for the monkey was 1/10000 for downs and 1/2500 for tri 18. Since a severe genetic problem would have shown something anatomically incorrect on the scan, they were pushing the downs theory. The dr. even went so far as to say that this "finding" made the genetic screening moot! (which is strange, b/c according to the genetic counselor, there is NO agreed upon correlation btw this "white blob" and ANY problems!) Another problem was that the genetic counselor couldn't give us a new relative risk or contextualize it at all. And there are lots of babies that have this and are perfectly healthy. After a long discussion with James, we decided this was pure scare tactics. We were feeling really pressured into an amnio, but we don't want one. We weren't convinced that it was worth it.

And we felt that Monkey was perfect and felt really good about our decision. I didn't even turn to Dr. Google.

Until...

Until I had my 21 week appt with my midwife yesterday. I wasn't prepared to hash out all these details again. The parts of the discussion that scared me were that James and I think we wouldn't terminate for Down's syndrome. But the midwife talked about how everyone thinks it's like Corky from TV, but he is the exception as a highly functioning person with Down's. How there are other medical complications - cardiac, leukemia. How stressful it is on the marriage, finances, etc. How most women would choose to terminate. It scared me. It made me think I am being too pollyanna - that we could "handle" it. But handle what? What does it mean to have a child with a disability?

I know, we don't know for certain. But for some reason, this feels like a death sentence to me. I can't shake the feeling that my monkey is doomed.

Anyone who has anything positive to share - please do. I need some encouragement here.

More on intracardiac echogenic foci

Update

2005-12-15T12:59:00.000-05:00

Since I just had my second midwife appt on Monday, I thought I would give an update. First off, I called their office on Dec 2, near tears, b/c I decided I was too small. I could still button up all my pants, but on pregnancy friend, women have nice belly shots...so this was, out of the blue, my newest obsession. They told me to ignore the boards/pix and any advice from "they (say...)" and my mother. That night, I woke up to pee. It always takes me a little while to fall back asleep. As I was lying there, I suddenly felt like a dryer, with towels tumbling around and around. The baby moving! So, that was reassuring, to say the least. And I've felt the monkey ever since.

My appt on Monday was 1st thing in the morning, so I was on the subway during rush hour, the train was crowded (as usual). All of the sudden, I was having trouble breathing. Then it felt like blood was being drained out of my body and I became very dizzy. I thought I was having a heart attack. I would have gotten off the train, but I knew I was on my way to some sort of help. I managed to squeeze myself onto the bench & kept my head low. This helped enormously, and by the time my stop arrived, I felt fine. As I relayed this to the midwife, she tells me it's very common in pregnant women and it signifies nothing. Weird, right? So, along with a stuffy nose, bloody gums, gas, and feeling exhausted walking up 3 stairs, pregnancy hormones also mimic heart attacks. Charming.

But onto the real news. 13 wks was my first midwife appt. She looked for the heartbeat, couldn't find it, said that was common, and moved on. Since I had just had an u/s the week before where a) it looked like a baby (as opposed to the piscine profile at 8wks or the geometry of circle inside circle at 5.5)! And it was moving! Incredible. We watched on the big movie-like screen as she took the nuchal fold measurements. So, if I hadn't had that, I would have been upset. So instead, it just weighed on me and eventually brought be to the phone call at 15 wks.

This appt was 17 wks. We heard the heartbeat! Phew. It sounded like rapid series of de-dunk de-dunk de-dunk interrupted by KUSH KUSH. What was that? I asked - the baby kicking! I hadn't thought about what noises that would make! Most of them I didn't feel, so gee whiz there is a lot of action down there! My sugar/protein is good as is blood pressure. I have only gained 5 lbs and was concerned about that, but she said "don't forget you have until May". So, if she's not concerned, I'm not either. It's still pretty easy for me to hide it - all my tops fit and pants I just can't button the top button. The only piece of maternity wear I own is a belly band, that bridges the midriff gap and allows me to still wear my pants. It's brilliant.

I think some part of me is now waiting for the test results from my genetic screening and the anatomy scan in two wks. For what? I don't know. Chances are everything is fine, but some part of me still, STILL is scared about it. I have been trying to be more in the moment, b/c goodness knows pregnancy doesn't always equal baby. But everyone knows now, which freaks me out ("what if something happens!?!") I feel like I internalize everything I read too. So, if I know someone lost a baby at birth or 20 wks, I worry about that too. It's oppressive. All my joy is qualified, except those tiny breakthroughs where I feel like my heart will burst open. Those are rare. I wish I were delusionally happy, but it hasn't happened yet.
I think part of it is that this is something I want more than anything in the world, so I am waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I realize there may be no other shoe, but it's hard to change old habits. I am trying though.

Who's ready to laugh?

2005-11-30T15:25:00.000-05:00

Me! Especially after my lyme appt yesterday, but that's another post. And you probably. Well, I have just the thing.

Lyme-y

2005-11-01T14:47:00.000-05:00

I haven't mentioned my Lyme disease at all. I guess b/c it wasn't the stressful focal point IF had been & it was in "remission". Well, it's back. I have been feeling awful the past few weeks, achey, exhausted, stiff neck & persistent burning eyeballs, random burning skin (fun, right?). I had assumed that since most pregnant women with MS experience remission, that I would be fine - as Lyme & MS have many of the same symptoms. But no.

It started while we were away on our trip & half my face went numb. For some reason, I thought it was food poisoning. It took me almost a week to figure out what was going on. In the meantime, I upped my dosage of amoxicillan. Now I am on, are you ready for this? 3500mg 2x/day. I only weigh 130lbs, so this is a monstrous dose. And still, no perceived benefits. I have been in close touch with my doctor, who keeps reminding me that any dosage is safe during pregnancy, although it feels like I am just taunting trouble. Even if I were to feel better, I would have to stay on the antibiotics for the baby, as Lyme is transmitted through the placenta. And don't google Lyme & pregnancy, it's depressing.

And anyone who thinks they might know anyone with Lyme - urge them to go to a Lyme specialist - regular doctors DON'T know what they are doing & the tests for Lyme aren't sophisticated enough for the avg md to catch it. After the two lyme titers I did at my primary drs office were negative - he wanted to start testing me for lupus & fibromyalgia. I'm lucky, I knew I had lyme, & so caught it early. There are people who have had it for years until they are finally diagnosed. The novelist Amy Tan being one of them. Her doctors tested her for syphilis BEFORE they would test her for Lyme, even though she has been in a monogamous marriage for over 30 yrs. I know there are many (me being one) who feel used & abused by REs, but at least they recognize IF as a disease. Largely, Lyme as a disease is very very contentious. Insurance companies don't want to cover the costs of long-term antibiotics (I have been on them for 49 wks) & my wonderful doctor has had to fight to keep his medical license. It's nuts.

Please Visit Kath

2005-10-22T01:43:00.000-04:00

She has had the worst possible news. My heart is just breaking for her, it's so awful. Please send her all your love & support - she is one truly in need.

Kath at Inhospitable

Some thoughts

2005-10-13T15:23:00.000-04:00

*Warning* pregnancy-related items discussed

We had our 8 wk ultrasound yesterday. The baby is measuring right on target, we saw the heartbeat & even more amazingly we heard it. I wasn't expecting that - it made me cry to hear the room filled with the pulsings of it. It was amazing.

Now that we are past that, we are in a place where I feel all my worries being drained away. I was so sure I would never make it here , but I did. I set up this blog to talk about my feelings on my infertility, not my pregnancy. So while I may occasionally post something, I won't be doing it on a regular basis.

It makes me very sad to think that now I will be one of them, those pregnant women who unknowingly cause distress to all the infertiles around her. I wish there was a sign, a secret handshake, so they could know I understand. Maybe I could wear a placard "This wasn't so easy!". Honestly, I don't know how best to handle it, my transition. But I do know that gushing about my pregnancy is not appealing to me. This post has been written, in various shapes & sizes, more eloquently by others. But all I can say is a heartfelt thank you to everyone for all your support & well wishes. I will still be visiting you all, but things will be (hopefully) pretty quiet on this end.

I'm Back

2005-10-10T14:22:00.000-04:00

Sorry I haven't posted in a while - I was away on vacation & busy beforehand...blah blah. Excuses, really. Thanks for the check ups & lovely wishes. Will have a proper post later...nothing new to report here. Have u/s Wed morning. Want to check up on all you lovelies now.

Post #23

2005-09-26T18:14:00.000-04:00

I have been tagged, a la the lovely Nico. Thus I am compelled to rummage through my extensive archives & post the 5th sentence of my 23rd entry.

With my mc, I remember spotting red for one full day, then mc/ next morning (cramps, etc).

If this smacks of the familiar, that is because it is only from 10 days ago. Not so revelatory. Or interesting. I was afraid of that. Sigh.

To make for a spicier post, here is a quote I rather like.

"I'd risk an ugly surprise than rely on things I know I can do."
-abstract artist Helen Frankenthaler

Progesterone - Good or Bad

2005-09-24T17:06:00.000-04:00

I just read something deeply disturbing.

"I wouldn't give progesterone to pregnant women."
-Dr. Howard Bern, Professor at UC Berkeley & coauthor of The Developmental Effects of DES in Pg

I am taking progesterone.

I have two prescriptions. One, 200mg of prometrium, I got from the 2nd opinion RE I saw in August, for my supposed short LP (self-diagnosed - I think it's normally 10 days). The second I got when I went in for my first beta from my RE, 50mg progesterone. I have taken both as vaginal suppositories. I had been switching between the two, & realized I had spotting when taking the 50mg, so now I am sticking to the higher dose.

So exogenous ("outside") progesterone - some biologists & toxicologists express concern about progesterone's effects on the fetus. It's been shown to cause reproductive system abnormalities in baby mice whose mothers were on it while pg. The most prominent is vaginal cornification (also observed in DES daughters).

Some physicians don't believe prog prevents early m/c. Others, such as my RE, obviously do. Some argue that prog shouldn't be used to prevent m/c since the majority of m/c are nature's way of eliminating genetic defects. Anecdotally, this doesn't seem to be supported by those in the blogworld who have had genetic testing done on the babies they lost.

Although progesterone follow-up studies have been largely anecdotal, there are suggestions that fetal exposure to the drugs may increase cardiac, neurological, neural tube & other major malformations, & female masculinization. Other studies have failed to detect these adverse effects.

(All this info from Winkelman, Carol. 2002. The Complete Gde to Pg after 30.)

This is the first I had heard of this. I have been questioning everthing I use, apply, ingest since finding out I was pg - my shampoo, cleansers, food, vitamins, etc. Since REs give prog suppositories out like sweeties, it seemed like the accepted wisdom that it was safe. I can't seem to find any information on the internet that supports this though, so I don't know what to do. I might experiment & cut back on it or go off it entirely. If I do that, I would fully expect to start spotting again. We'll see what happens.

Public Service Announcement

2005-09-23T19:59:00.000-04:00

Since I got a couple of comments on my little aside, I thought I would post it in full.

I got the following paperwork on "Bleeding During Early Pg" from my RE after my horrible freakout week of bleeding. I wish I had known this soooner, would have saved me a lot of tissues...

Bleeding during pg is common & generally does not predict the health of the pg. Approximately 50% of women will experience some amt of bleeding during early pg. This is true in naturally occurring pg as well as pg from fertility therapy. Most of the time the bleeding eventually resolves & the pg proceeds normally.

Once the pg has been identified as being intrauterine (as opposed to ectopic), it is unusual to be able to detect the cause of bleeding. Still, in virtually all cases of bleeding during early pg, there is no specific treatment that can be given (NOTE - I DON'T AGREE ENTIRELY. SOME EARLY M/C MAY BE CAUSED BY LACK OF PROGESTERONE PRODUCTION...THUS PROGESETERONE SUPPOSITORIES/SHOTS CAN HELP IN THIS CASE). If the pg is healthy, it will progress; if not, then mc will occur. No physician intervention can change this.

If your pg has been confirmed & you are experiencing bleeding, here are some things to keep in mind:

Staining is of no concern.

Light bleeding is of no concern.

Intermittent cramping pain is of no concern.

Bleeding similar to a menstrual pd does not mean that you are m/c. Bleeding of this type, even if unaccompanied by pain, should be brought to the attn of the nursing staff during regular office hrs.

Bleeding similar to a menstrual pd that is accompanied by significant pelvic pain should be brought to the attn of the physician, even during off hours.

Heavy, uncontrolled bleeding, even if unaccompanied by pain, should be brought to the attn. of the physician, even during off hrs.

The Results are in

2005-09-22T10:11:00.000-04:00

Thanks for all the speculation on the toilet noise - they made me laugh when I really needed a good chuckle!

Vaginal ultrasound at 8.15am this morning w. Dr. G:

"OK, this is what I see..." (which, as we know, always seems to preface bad news) "we are in the uterus...there is the gestational sac (check), that white blob there is the yolk sac (check) & the uterine lining looks good."

So, there was no bad news! But he did keep saying something about, "well, it's still early..." like what more does he want to see at 5wks 2 days, the bean hard at work, composing sonatas?

So YAHOO! We are so excited!

One interesting thing Dr. G did say was that bleeding is a signifier of nothing. A woman who bleeds early in pg has same chances of carrying baby to term as one who doesn't. And vice versa - which means that being knocked up is like entering a parallel universe - "The World of Worry". But I refuse to go there. I am so grateful that everything is fine & where it should be that, phew, I am just going to roll with it.

No Miscarriage

2005-09-21T11:53:00.000-04:00

So after a night of hysterical sobbing & resigning myself to the inevitable I wake up to - nothing. Or, next to nothing given what yesterday was like. So I didn't miscarry! "Wolf" again! I was so sure, it felt just like last time, & the bleeding wouldn't let up. This drama is going to kill me! KILL ME!

Tomorrow is my u/s. I am really nervous. Please keep your fingers crossed for me that there is, in fact, a bean & that it didn't go "plonk" in the toilet. (I know, it's ridiculous, but seriously what the HELL was that?)

cd38

2005-09-20T21:29:00.000-04:00

The last time I had a miscarriage, the bleeding started today, cd38. Woke up to awful cramps the next morning, that was it.

Today I woke up & envisioned writing a post "bullet dodged!" about how the spotting had stopped - & how Thursday would be the longest I had ever been pregnant.

I don't think I will make it to Thursday. Late morning started red spotting. It stopped mid afternoon, now started again - I'm bleeding. Lightly, but it's always there. Have had sharp cramps on & off all day. Earlier, while I was peeing, I swear I heard a "plop" into the toilet. But as we have a BLACK toilet (renting), I couldn't see anything. Questioning my ears, I flushed it. I think it was the baby. I am not in the throws of anything yet, but I know what I am waking up to tomorrow.

Why? Why is this happening? I thought b/c my betas were great yesterday this couldn't happen. How is this possible???

I can't fucking believe this is happening again. On the same day, no less.

"Wolf"

2005-09-19T13:55:00.000-04:00

Firstly I would like to say again, THANK YOU. But "thank you" doesn't begin to cover what it means to me to have your support & well wishes. There should be other weightier, meatier words, but right now, I am feeling tongue-tied. It means a lot.

Today's beta 2709. Doubling rate since last Wednesday, 1.88 days. The nurse who called said this number was "excellent". And the spotting stopped. So I am feeling sheepish about being so dramatic. Seeing blood and having a viable pregnancy is a novel concept for me. "Viable" at the moment anyway. I am trying really hard (& I think mostly succeeding) at being "in the moment" about all this, but goddamn if there aren't a lot of things to worry about.

James & I had ourselves a little date last night, to spend time together & mark the EDD of our first. As we were talking, it hit me. Being infertile, sub-fertile, whatever, the end goal is always - "get pregnant", as if the curtain then comes down & that's the end of the show. What I didn't count on was this not being a one-trick pony. Instead, it's like being a competitor in a triathalon you didn't know you signed up for. Just as you are reaching the end of the pool, thinking "thank god this is over", some faceless race coordinators appear out of nowhere & hustle you into your click-on bicycle shoes. Didn't you know! It's not over! There is more! No respite for you! Then you face the potholes of pregnancy while riding a bike that has scarily thin road tires. If you are lucky enough to last until the end, aching, burning thighs and all; the prize is, what's this?, another race! Running, running, running, driven by worry about being a good parent, doing the right thing, your child's welfare. Good god, it never ends.

Sucker

2005-09-17T11:07:00.000-04:00

It's back. But it's just like it was yesterday, not an excessive amount, pinkish, & not accompanied by cramps. I was so relieved when it disappeared - I felt like I had just won the lottery. And I had naively thought that was the end of it. Big sucker punch. I have been amply reassured that this is very common, but still, for me, blood after a BFP doesn't have a happy ending. But I am not in panic mode, am trying to take it in stride.

Yesterday, when I thought this was the prelude to another miscarriage, I thought about how I had been acting since my positive test on Sunday - scared & dismissive, trying to tightly box up my emotions. Then I considered the fact that a miscarriage is a miscarriage & convincing myself that I am not really pregnant doesn't assuage the pain. It also struck me how desperately sad it would be to lose a baby I couldn't bring myself to recognize. And love. And pin dreams on. So James & I gingerly stepped into the ring to accept the challenge. We talked about the baby, about how our lives would change, about how much we already long for it & are scared to lose it. So now if it's not meant to be, at least the little bean will know that it was loved.

Now we are giving each other shallow reassurances & holding our breath. Now we wait.

Nothing but Net

2005-09-16T20:16:00.000-04:00

I am in the clear! (as I knock on every piece of wood & woody veneer in sight). The last time there was anything was around 4pm, so I am now doing a victory lap. Ladies, thank you. I wish I could reach my arms out of the computer & give each of you a big hug of thanks.

Please weigh in

2005-09-16T13:35:00.000-04:00

Ladies, I need help, I am in full panic mode.

Update - I have had to pee a lot today - sometimes there is pink, sometimes not - even when I go "looking" for it. But still, not tissue-y or red (sorry TMI) & no cramping. I was hysterical this morning, called my dr., acupuncturist, & James (he is home with me now.) With my mc, I remember spotting red for one full day, then mc/ next morning (cramps, etc). What do you all make of my situation now? I have to wait until Monday to get another beta, but even that number could be good if something were wrong, right? Have to wait until Thurs for an u/s for them to be able to see the fetal pole, etc

Oh, also, I decided to go back to the 200mg Prometrium this morning instead of the 50mg progesterone suppository. Am I just delaying the inevitable here?

And I had a horrible dream last night about losing the baby, a big bloody mess. Some kind of sign? Or my overactive imagination?

Please, all words of encouragement desparately needed! :(

Not good

2005-09-16T11:05:00.000-04:00

This morning, more spotting, more quantity, more color. Now it's pink.

Stress Test

2005-09-15T23:58:00.000-04:00

Tonight was my first mind/body group meeting & as my recent posts demonstrate, I am in desparate need of some relaxation. Before I left the office, I was catching up on y'all & came across Sarah's entry re her pg. It could have been written by me, except I am not as eloquent. I was really inspired by Jill's comments. She's right - I need to embrace this as best I can. God knows how long it will last, and trying to be stand-offish from your uterus is next to impossible. My brain has been terrorizing me since Monday. It's bullshit & it needs to stop.

So I was thinking about this as I was walking to the meeting. "I can do this, I can embrace this". Got there & had to pee. As I looked at the pad (leaky progesterone suppositories) I saw color & just sat there, mouth open. It was peach colored & just a small spot with very little on the toilet paper. Of course, I went digging around & got a little more of the same. Now, I know it's nothing to worry about (right???), just minor spotting - no tissue, no red. But I started hyperventilating in the bathroom...thinking I was going to m/c right there. Then I remembered that I have had no cramps at all. Last time, lots of cramps. So with that plus the lack of red blood as supporting evidence, I managed to talk myself into a calmer state. Instead of running out the door before it even started, I actually stayed for the whole meeting. I am so proud of myself! Even if I did go back to the bathroom 3 more times. They probably thought I had a UTI.

So I decided I am not going to run to the REs office tomorrow unless I wake up to something that looks ominous. I was pretty proud of myself for deciding on that as well. It's a long road, I know, but baby steps. I guess I always thought being here, it would be easier, but it's not. It's a wonder humans aren't extinct already from the stress of early pg.

When it ended, I called James to ask him if I could interrupt his man-date for a hug intermission. No answer. Leave message - explain situation & that I need a quick fix. Call again, no answer. I proceeded to call him 20 times in 25 minutes - no answer. So now I'm mad & I left a "what if I were hemorrhaging & in the hospital" message. Bad, I know. Lucky for me relaxation techniques are a big part of the mind/body work. Sometimes I wonder why he puts up with my crap. If I were in his shoes, I don't know that I would.

Today's Worry du Jour

2005-09-15T09:08:00.000-04:00

Blighted ovum. Ack. Is there a way to take your brain out & put it in a jar? It is saboutaging me here. TWO WEEKS I have to wait with "blighted ovum blighted ovum" swimming through my head. I am not this much of a freakmeister normally, I swear.

Round 2

2005-09-14T15:01:00.000-04:00

Thank you everyone for the well wishes. I'm sorry if it seemed I was being coy - I didn't know how to respond to these positive tests, and seemingly still don't. I was convinced that the high beta meant that "the thingy" had Down's Syndrome. Oh god, I need help. It's so sad, I have wanted this more than I have ever wanted anything for months & months. Now that I am in this altered state, I feel like a ticking timebomb. Any minute - wham! I am such a freak! Why can't I be happy about this?

Beta #2- 404

Now I have to hold tight for two weeks for an u/s...if I make it that long.

2 Gentlemen of Verona

2005-09-13T12:35:00.000-04:00

As you may remember, I had plans Sat night with my BF & our hubbies to see Shakespeare in the Park. I had spent the day driving all over NJ, & gotten stuck in horrendous traffic. I can be surprisingly zen about big ticket items, but the thing that gets me every time is traffic - I completely lose my cool. By the time I got home, I was in a foul mood & definitely not in a mindset to see a Shakespeare musical (yes, with singing & dancing) & simultaneously spending time w/ a very pg woman. We were also late. Not only did we arrived in Central Park 20 minutes after the start of the play, but also my tickets were given away. I was pretty pissed by now, no one had told me to call ahead if I was running late. But b/c I didn't take it out on the person behind the counter (been there - was a bartender for ages), she took pity on us. She rummaged around & found us tickets (another straggler - sorry guy). BONUS #1! James & I then had to wait about 15 minutes for a break in the singing to sneak us in. Our new seats were front & center, row 3. I felt like I had a starring role. BONUS #2! They were so good, in fact, that we were two rows in front of Kevin Kline, Phoebe Cates & their two children. BONUS #3! The play was surprisingly entertaining...in fact, I would have to say that it was the best SITP I have seen of the past five years, even last year's play, Henry V (I love the Kenneth Brannagh movie) starring Liev Shrieber, stunk. BONUS #4! It ended with two weddings (of course). One of the brides (Rosario Dawson) threw out her bouquet & it literally landed in my lap. BONUS #5!

All of this served to buoy my mood & fortify me for an evening with friends where I knew there would be much pg tummy rubbing. The whole while, there was this voice that would pop into my head. Normally it likes to tear me down & remind me of my childless state. But not on Saturday. All night, as I talked to my friend, it told me "yes, I understand - I know - I am there with you". I have thought I was pg before, but never the voice.

Sunday was September 11th & I was 12dpo - my longest lp in years (aside from Clomid cycle). My temp, still high, I tested. Nothing, nothing, something? After only 5 hrs sleep at 6.30, I didn't trust my eyes. I woke up James, he saw it too. Something.

Yesterday I went in for my first beta, to answer the question, "If an already married woman catches a bouquet, does it help with conception?" - hcg:143, p4:29.

I know I should be excited & happy, but I am terrified. I want to put as much distance between my heart & uterus as possible. I can't even say the state that I'm in, the thing-that-shall-not-be-named. Also, Sunday the 18th would be my mc baby's 1st birthday.

omg - forgot

2005-09-11T19:24:00.000-04:00

The other thing I forgot to mention was that I used to go to Bikram yoga at this place on Chambers St. in the morning before work. I went to yoga that day - hauled my ass out of bed at 5.45am - get all the way into Manhattan - no yoga - building closed for repairs for one week. I was pissed. So now I had to go back to Brooklyn to take a shower & go back to Manh for work. This is why I was running late. So p.s. the class would have ended at 8 - after shower & change - I would have emerged 3 blocks from WTC at 8.20. How fucked up is that?

September 11

2005-09-11T11:30:00.000-04:00

I know what is happening in the Gulf region is heartbreaking, but it hasn't made me cry. 9/11, however, breaks my heart every year. Maybe it's because I was living here then. James used to work on Wall St, & had quit his job the week before. I was running late for work, & got a call from my mother that something was happening in Manhattan. We turned on the tv & watched the chaos. Then I saw it - the 1st tower collasped. I screamed. James & I ran to our roof, where we saw the other tower fall. Mushroom clouds of thick, gray smoke that smelled toxic & made your eyes water. Then we saw diamonds - white sparkling spots dancing in the beautiful September sun. James corrected me - this was paper...lots & lots of paper that would later be strewn on our street. Crispy lists of facts & figures, charred pictures of children & wives. The world had ended. We lived in fear for days after, I wouldn't ride the subway & didn't want to leave James, & had nightmares. We watched tv non-stop - we all became news junkies. The smell, that awful smell, blew over our neighborhood for over a month. The only thing we lost that day was my brother's suit we had bought him for our wedding 3 weeks later. Brooks Brothers was turned into a makeshift morgue. We were very very lucky.

We live blocks away from Squad 1. For those of you who don't know, there is a hierarchy of skill levels in the fire dept. The firefighters who save firefighters are in squads. Squad 1 was one of the first company's to respond. None of the men came back.

Today I am listening to the readings of the names, and can't help but to cry. We will go by Squad One & drop off a card & flowers, so they know we haven't forgotten. And I will donate money to one of these charities. I know there is a lot of attention on Katrina, but please consider contributing something here also. Many of the families affected lost the men who were husbands & fathers to their small children.

For Cranky Ol Me?

2005-09-09T22:49:00.000-04:00

And this deserves it's own post. My adoring, lovey, wonderful, best-thing-ever hubby came home with a beautiful bouquet of flowers for me because he knew that I have been feeling blue. He might not always get the psychosis, but he loves me & likes to let me know it. Honestly, sometimes it's more than I feel I deserve...I am very very lucky.

F*&%ing Progesterone

2005-09-09T22:19:00.000-04:00

Seems I touched on a nerve there, re: IF & the holidays. It's so funny, b/c once again I thought I was the only one. I don't know if that makes me really stupid or an egomaniac. Thanks for weighing in.

Well, all week I have been thinking of all these great things to say on my post - like my million dollar therapy appointment not covered by insurance (re: last post - I have been in therapy for 4 years, & as evidenced there, it's been not working for me) with a new therapist - the one who will be leading the mind body support group I go to next week. She was wonderful & just really gets it. She is also $175/ 50 minutes for private sessions, so let's just say we won't be able to get real chummy.

Or how I finally had an appt with my acupuncturist. This time, I was face down & she used some kind of burning incense to warm up my points. This is something new for the cooler weather. She did my feet too, which she knows are always cold. Very decadent.

Or how I am still yogatastically challenged & have resigned myself to this status. I ran a marathon, but I can't hold my leg in moon pose for more than 3 minutes. It's shameful, really. I am always the one who needs props, blankets, blocks, ropes, the teachers keep adjusting & tweaking me. But I am trying to just go with it & give it 3x/wk for a year & see what happens.

But none of these can beat out the one overarching reality of the week - my boobs are killing me & have expanded to unprecidented proportions. This is my first cycle on progest cream & I think it's working a little too well. I am taking Vitex too, which I thought would tame the beasts, but it doesn't seem to be helping in this department. CB (crimson bitch) is due tomorrow, & since I have plans with my good friend who is 6 mos pg, it is bound to arrive right on time. Bleck.

Back with a tan

2005-09-06T22:07:00.000-04:00

Finally, my legs look like they belong to the same body as my arms - that's what 3 days of perfect beach weather can do for you. We had a great time, except for...wait for it...the big fight we had.

BACKGROUND
Christmas, for me, is stressful time. Last year, my SIL was pg (called her mother to say "My pd is two wks late" so yes, we hate her). Maybe under other circumstances, like if I had Kath's SIL, it would have been fine. But noooooo. Short version - Xmas 2002 - we are all at MIL for dinner, w/plans for church w/ the minister who married us (he's the bomb, seriously) & so I was actually looking forward to it. But newly engaged SIL FREAKED the FUCK OUT. Like, kicking it four-yr-old styley...WAH you can't go b/c we don't want to go but then he will know we are ditching & we will feel guilty since he is marrying us in 5 months...all this from a 32yr old. Now, bear in mind this was NOT an anomaly. She has pulled shit like this at nearly every family function. WAH LOOK AT ME - I give eldest siblings a bad name! Sad, I know. Sadder still no blood relative kicked her in the ass, but I digress. Now, ff Xmas 2004. SIL pg, right, so um no, not going to visit the IL side of family. Well, the ruckus. J. wouldn't lie, and so told his mom the truth. Suffice it to say, there was a serious witch hunt w/ everyone snooping around my business & everyone finding out abt my mc. ugh to infinity. Then SIL copies James on email w/ attachment of "holy shit look at my fetus" u/s. AFTER she knew about the mc. So I basically tore her a new one via email.

OK, so Xmas 05. This year, I don't want to do Xmas. I don't want to be around anyone & hear the disapproving voices (in my head) about our state of childlessness. Why is it you can't just do whatever you want? I am 35, hello, adulthood! she votes! She drinks! But apparently she can't go away for xmas to a foreign land with her hubby! So his mom (who was at the shore w/ us) is now upset. And again, J. bad w/ lying (whereas for me, telling fibs is like a beloved hobby). Now, I love my MIL, so let's get that out of the way. But she was asking why are we going away, she will have nowhere to go, blah blah. I just feel like, hey man, it's not my job to take care of your emotional needs when I am on the brink of insanity. No room at the "I give a shit" inn, I'm afraid.

So fighting - we went running & started fighting like 5 minutes into it. (one benefit - it makes 30 min pass really quickly). Because I feel like he does't hear me. The crying, the depair, the depression, the not eating, then the discussion on why all the crying, despair, etc. So when he asked me "so why exactly do we have to go away for Xmas?" I felt all my breath leave me, like I was attached to a vacuum. Then I freaked the fuck out (but didn't actually black out - that is some progess). HOW does he not hear me? Does it have to be constant drama? It's so fucking exhausting, making people understand me. I NEED to do this to FUCKING SURVIVE. It seems that when I really really need him to understand something, he just doesn't get it. I don't have the energy for this anymore. I think we need counselling.

Two problems with us a) I have a VERY bad temper & need to not get so fly-off-the-handle-&-feel-betrayed & b) he needs to stop seeing every fight as me leaving him. It's funny, we talk ALL the time & are very communicative, but when it's really important, we don't seem to relate to each other. We worked it for now, so it's fine. We spent last night watching the last 4 episodes of 6 ft under, so now we are just waiting for the 2005 season on dvd...about a year :(

Totally unrelated, this morning I went to St*rbucks (don't tell anyone, but I really like the vanilla lattes, but I hardly ever go) & 2 people ahead of me on line... Adam Arkin One day I'll have to do a post of all the famous people I have seen on the streets of NYC.

Under the Boardwalk

2005-09-01T19:38:00.000-04:00

Down by the sea (shore) is where I'll be...until Monday...have a great holiday weekend (for those in USA).

Unrelated - does anyone know what happened to Jenn at Just Keep Swimming? Her blog is down (see sidebar). She was having a really bad time lately & it seems alarming that her blog is now gone.

Inflexible Infertile

2005-08-30T23:26:00.000-04:00

This was me last night, after ttc se*x...

except I wasn't wearing that snappy outfit.

I think the proported benefits of the aptly named "Legs-Up-the-Wall Pose" are obvious. What is less so is how much this hurts if, like me, you are inflexible as hell. My last yoga class, the teacher told us to release, not force, into poses...it shouldn't be a struggle...yoga is not goal oriented. After class, I told him I found many of the poses difficult. "Yeah, I was basically talking about you". Thanks guy.

Speaking of ttc, does anyone have any experience with this OPK from babyhopes? You know how the line on these has to be = to or darker than the control line? I have been fastidiously following directions. Last night, my first real line, medium opacity. So a negative. Tonight - stark whiteness. Definitely negative. So...last night is now looking more positive to me. Anyone else experienced this?

On an serendipitous, upbeat note - went to store to get more wild yam - Discorea (aka herbal Clomid). While sorting through the bottles, heard the familiar strains of - Rocky Mtn High. Now, I haven't heard that song in ages. Strange no? What could it mean? Will I dream of dear John Denver tonight? I confess I lingered at the exit to sing along to the harmony.

Say it with flowers

2005-08-29T15:25:00.000-04:00

Cardinal flower

Women of the IF Blogosphere,

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your lovely comments. I was shocked when James told me to check my blog - there were 17 comments. (OK, so 8 were spam.) It means a lot to me...my situation is such that I have no one to talk to about all this, except James, & of course, as lovely as he is, he is a boy.

Now I have all of you, and I just can't express what it means to me to have you weigh in. I just cried my eyes out as I was reading your comments from my 8/25 post. There have been so many months where I felt like I was running around in a dark closet - tight, confining, oppressive, & no where to turn. Finding your blogs has been expansive, enlightening, & comforting. And now *I* get comments? I'm overwhelmed by good feelings. And it's nice. Thanks.

Rocky Mountain High

2005-08-27T02:13:00.000-04:00

I have been sick all week- don't ask me how it's possible to get a cold when a) I am on HIGH doses of antibiotics & b) it's AUGUST. Alas, my body found a way. In addition to the usual coughing, sneezing, stuffed sinuses, etc., I also was running a fever on CD11 during the day, but my bbt was fine. The next day it was through the roof, & now my chart looks like the Rocky Mountains. So bad, in fact, that FF has me o'd cd10. That would be a 21 day cycle - I have NEVER had 21 days. 24-28, sure but not that short. Needless to say, it sent me into a bit of a panic, even though I knew it had to be wrong. Today I had lots of good fertility signs that O approacheth, so I think I am in the clear. Phew.

(and b/c I can't resist a good John Denver tune - "Rocky Mountain hiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhh [ooohh Colorado]" I am a sucker for the harmony)

James just found out he got into Brooklyn College (part of City University of NY - CUNY) for his MA in education. He already has an MA in history, but has been working sales?! :p So soon he will be joining the high school teaching ranks! He is very excited! Hooray!

What's with this bushleague psyche-out bullshit??

2005-08-25T17:31:00.000-04:00

Oh, right, that's just my emotional state. Not to get all into the bs in my life, but let's start with the premise that I had major emotional trauma related to my family. This began around the same time I started dating James (Sept 1997). We weathered it, got married. Then, weirdness in the boudoir dept, so I started counselling - Jan 2002. My therapist helped, I was feeling better, much less weirdness btw the sheets.

FF 2003, training for NYC marathon & thinking "we will start ttc after it's over". Low & behold, we were not "trying" in Dec, when I got pg. All my life I thought I wanted to have children. Oldest child, reliable babysitter, good w/ kids, etc. As the prospect became more "attainable" (got married), I became less interested. "take em or leave em". (Supposedly related to the trauma, said counsellor).

Then wham, pregnant. Paradigm shift. So nervous & scared & excited & thrilled. We didn't tell anyone, hadn't even had my first u/s when I started spotting. I was waiting on line to get my prescription pre-natal vitamins & I knew something was wrong. Called OB - wait until morning. Woke up to unbelievable cramping - oh god - bathroom - bright red everywhere.

Then, extreme sadness. Not depression, sadness. Because at the time I thought - it was so easy, so effortless, no problem. But then, every month.. you know the drill.

So now, 20 months later, I got nothing. The problem is, all this has made me a very angry person. Angry about the first emotional trauma, which I have dealt with by not dealing with it - ignoring it's very existance. And angry about being baby-less, b/c the whole sex thing, surprise - it's not so easy! While on the surface I seem social, fun, have a smile on my face; pooled just below the surface is all the vitriol. It's always there. Even when I am sleeping, I clench my jaw & grind my teeth. Like "what are you staring at asshole" angry to strangers on the subway. One may call this being "outspoken" & I do like that about myself. If I have a problem with you, I do not hesitate to tell you so. But the anger, for a while I wore it like a badge of honor. Now it feels corrosive. I think it is eating away at my humanity & all the other things I like about myself.

And now the anger has warped into a depression too. I had been lurking on some blogs for a couple of months, but just couldn' t bring myself to write my own. Mind-numbing despair, wishing I were dead, who wants to write about that? Much less read it. The newest is feeling judged by everyone (Psst, look at her, 35, married for 4 years, no kids. She must not be able to have any, poor thing. How pathetic). The anxiety attacks (hyperventalating, sweating), not eating (can't get pg if you are underweight!), hermit-like existence (don't want to hear about pgs or be asked "when are you..."), all taking it's toll. But I hadn't been able to see it.

How do you get over this? I am trying to answer that for myself, b/c I think otherwise the anger, the unbelievable weight of it, will kill me. Laying off any ART for now - somehow the stakes are so much higher when stainless steel is involved. Since our problems seem to be "we don't know" or "possible low progesterone/short LP", it seems like things I can address on my own. Like doing yoga. Joined local Resolve - grp mind/body sessions start Sept. Reading mind/body books. Going to acupuncture. Changing my diet (no coffee, less sugar/simple starches & now meat [was a veg]) & taking herbs. I don't see how these REs have answers - they haven't for me, not really. Sometimes the medicine they practice sounds more like voodoo. And it's so one-size-fits-all. We all do Clomid, IUIs, injectibles, IVF. How can this limited suite of "fixes" address all our diverse needs? And how can you not know why we aren't pregnant yet? Don't you know how old I am? That I fucked up by waiting so long? And that we don't have money for IVF? Don't you know that I screwed up and now I am paying for it?!?

I am an A**hat

2005-08-22T18:26:00.000-04:00

Remember how I was all mad at my adorably wonderful acupuncturist? My most treasured player on my IF team, as she is a font of IF knowledge? Remember how she ditched me? She called me yesterday - so apologetic - as she had to run, unexpectedly, out of town to GO & PICK UP THE NEWBORN BABY SHE JUST ADOPTED. Yeah, asshat. Serenity now!

Sabotage

2005-08-19T11:18:00.000-04:00

Inspired by yesterday's post from In a Holding Pattern - Susan's IVF cycle may have to be cancelled due to high FSH. She is blaming it on having missed a dose of hormones, positing that it was done subliminally on purpose. Although I haven't done IVF yet, I can relate to subliminally sabotaging a cycle. For me, I decided that it was b/c with all the ART intervention, the stakes are higher, & getting my period thus more devastating.

Actually, now I remember that this defeatist attitude crept in earlier. After the m/c, when we had been trying for about 4-5 months, I lost it. I couldn't deal with the continual failures & so decided for that cycle, no sex during fertile time. This way, I was in control. I knew I would get my period, no mystery, no nailbiting suspense. This was about a month before I went to an RE, so I guess I can't blame my spastic behavior on ART.

My 1st Clomid/IUI cycle in June was also devastating. The constant surveillance of my nether-regions, the blood draws, the drugs - then nothing. It wouldn't have been so bad if my caregivers had been clearer about the effect of Clomid. I was asymptomatic the first half of the cycle; while I was actually popping pills, I felt nothing. The 2nd half was hell. I cried constantly for 3 days, wishing I were dead, just lying on the couch. That passed, then it was weird symptoms. Abdominal (uterine?) twinges, burning sensation in my nipples, inordinately large boobs, major bloating, headaches, nausea, food tasting strange, pungent odors...Two days before my pd was due, I was lying awake in bed, unable to sleep. I had been so fearful, every month was a disappointment & I was convinced I was incapable of getting pregnant, for no reason other than my fucked up brain. But that night, all these symptoms, I thought "this is it". Even though it's not what I felt like when I had been pregnant, I was sure I was. And suddenly, I felt the world open up to me. I realized I had been living in a small, dank corner of my life; cutting myself off from friends with babies, from other friends who might ask when we were planning to get started, from situations that involved babies, from hoping that it could happen to me, from spending time with James that didn't involve IF, limiting myself to obsessing over getting pregnant (reading books, blogs, boards) & ignoring all the other possibilies & rewards of life. Lying in my bed, I swear I saw the clouds part and rays of light shine forth in splendor. But you know the punchline - AF came the next day. All that shit, just the Clomid fucking with me. THAT was a shitty cycle.

Please visit Jenn's blog

2005-08-17T02:55:00.000-04:00

She just had a tough blow, and will needs lots of good wishes.
Jenn’s blog

Back to normal

2005-08-17T02:12:00.000-04:00

I am happy to report that I no longer feel like a psychopath, just a bloated & slightly cranky woman with her period. It's really amazing to me how anxious I get those last few days beforehand. It's not the 2ww its the 4dw - that's what crushed me. Live & learn.

I am a little mad at my acupuncturist right now. I called her when my pd showed, so I could have a "relax already!" session. I am greeted with a voice mail telling me she is out of town until Aug 29 - uh, that's news to me! I'm peeved since we talked about my taking herbs this cycle (in addition to all the vitamins I am already on), so now she is leaving me hanging for half my cycle. Not cool. Guess I will have to consult my books and do it on my own.

Drama Mama

2005-08-16T01:06:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the drama on Sat. Since this was my first cycle charting, I think I took it a little too seriously, and was just obsessing over it. And as much as I promised myself that this cycle was an experient, just looking to see what goes on, I got hoodwinked. DPO 8-12 I was feeling...well, you know. sigh.

So the temps, yeah, my chart could make grown women weep with jealousy. But they were lying, crafting hope where hope shouldn't be. Sunday morning, 96.9. I thought high temps, I am invicible! But later realized they are just a snapshot of a moment in time. All day Sat they were sinking like a stone.

I cured my blues by drinking all day yesterday - ah, it was nice.

RE #2 - not worth the $$$

2005-08-12T22:01:00.000-04:00

I had my appt today, and really it sucked. It sucked b/c I am edgy, b/c my temps are high, I should have my pd by now (or at latest tomorrow), and all my hpts are neg. (which are very sensitive - to 20mIu - says you can test dpo 9-10). So I am already tense & frustrated about this. I am on the subway heading to my appt when I begin to panic - I dont have my test results (I have everything BUT, in fact). Can't go home, no time. About to cry, when I remembered the invention of the fax machine. Phew, will have RE#1 fax them over.

Met with RE#2, and he is not like his partner, my husband's urologist, who was so wonderful - open, listening (to my problems, even, a urologist!), I just loved him. No, new RE kept interrupting me, seemed to want the short version of my medical history - like he would make this assumption, and then I said, "well, not exactly, I had a m/c" - then he'd go off on another tangent. He didn't even want to see my chart - I have a paper version which was clearly made by an anal person, there is highlighting & sticky notes and white out!!!!!!

DX - low progesterone (based on low early temps & short luteal phase). He thinks my thyroid is fine. He suggested Clomid IUI with estrogen and progesteron support. (I didn't have either hormone supplemtns w/ first RE). I like the sound of this better than plain old Clomid IUI. The other thing - can any of you speak to this? w/ 1st IUI - final sonogr was 5 follies, biggest one 18 1/2. They had me trigger 2 days later, no sono. Shouldn't I have had one? How do they know they grew? (Cause sometimes they don't, right? They should be 20mm on Clomid). RE #2 said "they might have triggered you too early". Otherwise, he thinks I am fine, he thinks we should be pg, no problem (yeah, yeah).

When I told him where I was in my cycle (11dpo - expecting pd next day) & about the neg pg test, he said oh so you'll get it tomorrow. Thanks brainiac. Later, had a date w/ the wand money. He said I definitely o'd, ovaries & lining look really good. He said the way it all looks, it looks like I could be pg OR like someone in the 2nd half of their cycle. WTF does that mean? AND I paid $400 out of pocket for this!

I can't go back to this dr. A) I like Dr. #1 better & B) Dr.#2 doesn't take our insurance (which is laughably bad). But now I am worried that IUI's with dr. #1 will be triggered too early, they won't give me estrogen...agh.

Anyway, when I was sitting in the sonogram room I started to cry. I just wanted someone to listen to me, play my "suppose we do this, what would happen?" game, and look at my chart. Is that so wrong? So I left there, called my hubby, and went downtown to meet up with him for lunch. He looked horrified - my tone on the phone, he thought I had uterine cancer! Poor man was sick for half hour! See the drama & stress I create! I can't live like this! Why can't I just get my period!?!

Thanks IF Bloggers

2005-08-08T22:32:00.000-04:00

Hi IF Blog World,

My name is Elle, and, sadly, I am joining your ranks. I had been alone in this for 17 months. It just never occurred to me to turn to the web for solace. But that's where I found it. Specifically, I found it at Jenn's Journal . It is not exaggerating the point to say that it changed my life overnight. Thanks, Jenn.

I took me a little while to work up the gumption to write my own. I kept thinking, "who really wants to listen to my whiny blatherings?" Maybe no one. But I am continually shocked at the information not given to me by "qualified physicians", and continually amazed at our collective knowledge. So, here I am to throw in my two cents.

There will be lots more, & much of it potty-mouthed. You have been warned.

btw, this is what I wrote on Jenn's site in May:

Your blog saved me this weekend. I had a miscarriage 1.5 yrs ago (unassisted, unplanned pregnancy) and am still trying to get over it. After waiting 2 months, we "tried" for six. Then I got Lyme disease - 8 months off (which, thankfully I didn't know would be so long in advance - I would have thrown myself off a building). The Lyme is better, and now I am on the infertility joyride too...just started taking Clomid for my first IUI cycle. The weird thing is, while Lyming, I put all my feelings about the miscarriage and infertility on hold. Now that we are actually trying (and my best friend is, effortlessly, 4 months pregnant) instead of feeling hopeful, I have been devastated. Crying uncontrollably everyday. Everything feels meaningless, pointless. I care about nothing but a baby. I hate that this is me. My loving husband & therapist are both not getting me, not really. Feeling desparate this weekend, as James is in Atlanta visiting his 7 wk old nephew, I googled "infertility blog" and found you. I know through all of this you hear a lot of bullshit platitudes, but your blog truly saved me. I laughed. I cried. Sometimes both at the same time. I think you are infinitely BRAVE to do this so out in the open. Me, I can't talk about it, only my mother knows about the miscarriage, no one knows about the infertility treaments. People never say the right thing, & I don't feel like being an educational interface for others. Anyway, you have helped me to understand better what I am feeling and how to deal with it...reading your blog has been the most therapeutic thing I have done. Your writing is beautiful, poignant, heartbreaking and funny. You inspired me to think about starting my own! I want you to know that I will be reading your posts and routing for you, with all my fingers and toes crossed. Thank you so much for this gift, you lifted an unbearable weight off my heart.